Things to do when you first find out you’re pregnant

If you’ve been following my pregnancy blog posts, you’ll know that my bun was a complete surprise. I hadn’t been preparing for pregnancy so when I discovered I was pregnant, I had to move quickly past the shock and denial phase into preparing for the next 9 months…and for life beyond.  Here are my tips on what to do the moment you find out you’re pregnant that should help you through those daunting nine months to come.

1. Create a support system

Soon after we found out we were pregnant, I told a friend, my husband told his work colleagues and we told our immediate families. It didn’t seem like a great idea at the time, with everyone oozing excitement when we hadn’t quite come to terms with our own feelings; but when I became very sick, these were the people we could talk to. My husband had loads of morning sickness advice and our parents kept checking up on us to see if we were ok. 

2. Find a gynae

I am ashamed to admit that I never visited one until six weeks into my pregnancy. I had my annual pap smears done at my GP but I didn’t do any other girly part checks so when I found out that I was pregnant, it was a mad dash to find one. At the hospital closest to me, I found a female gynae which seemed perfect. The only problem is that gynaes get booked fast. She was so busy that she wasn’t taking on any new patients.

I asked one of my friends who just had a baby and she highly recommended her gynae. I managed to get an appointment and decided he was a keeper at my first visit. He had a jovial bedside manner which was exactly what I needed when I was so unsure of my own feelings.

Find out about they gynaecologist’s fees when doing your selection. Mine is very expensive and medical aid only covers about half of his consultation fees but I’m comfortable with him and we can afford it so that’s all that mattered to me. 

3. Revise your medical aid cover

I moved over to my husband’s medical aid shortly after we got married. It was cheaper than mine for better cover but it only covers up to 200% medical aid rates. When you’re in a private hospital, specialists can charge up to 300% medical aid rates so we signed up for top up cover through Admed. They cover what the medical aids don’t during hospital stays. As I understand it, you should not need to pay a cent out of your pocket during delivery. 

4. Get started on pre-natal vitamins

I have to admit that I’m not a fan of vitamins. With a balanced and varied diet, your body will get and absorb all the vitamins it needs. Any more and you just pee it all out. However, most women don’t get a lot of folic acid in their diet which is crucial in preventing early pregnancy birth defects.

I didn’t have a very good diet in my first trimester. I went through phases where I would only eat Lays chips or fish fingers. I’m pretty certain my vitamins helped me get the right nutrients. Who cares about the remainder that I pee’ed out. 

5. Review your fitness regime

I used to be pretty fit with my dance classes. When I found out I was pregnant, I had to do the responsible thing and stop. There were quite a few risks that came with dancing through my bodily changes. It’s also about knowing yourself. I knew that I would ignore my body in the pursuit for more flexibility and mastering certain tricks, so I stopped. I’m not encouraging anyone to stop. In fact, if you haven’t started exercising, you should. I just had health complications that made even simple forms of exercise difficult to do.

6. Track your pregnancy with an app

I use Ovia. It sends you daily emails to remind you of how far along you are with informative articles on symptoms, baby’s development and yours. It’s cute to have around especially if your pregnancy symptoms put a damper on your moods. 

7. Google is your friend

People who scare too easily will tell you not to Google. I like being informed and I’m not going to think I’m dying of some rare disease by reading just one article. Google has helped me with understanding what other women go through and reaffirmed whether my symptoms are normal or not and what I can do about them.

8. Plan a babymoon

We planned a non-pregnant holiday which turned into a fugitive-harbouring trip. Do some research on your symptoms and figure out the best time to travel for you. Then go spend some quality time with your partner. It’ll probably be last holiday where it’s just the two of you. If the baby expenses mean you can’t afford a holiday, how about a staycation? Just take a break from the baby madness and enjoy your time together without baby cries ruining the romance.

9. Shop around for maternity clothes

Unfortunately only the maternity boutiques sell maternity wear so it is going to be expensive. Fortunately, if you watch your weight, you should be able to take your normal clothes through your pregnancy. I was bloated and uncomfortable quite early on in my pregnancy and I couldn’t do without a pair of maternity pants that I bought from Koco Bino.

10. Visit baby expos

And baby stores. It’s a great way to research the products you need. At the expos, you will get good deals.  It’s less overwhelming when you are armed with the right information to make the right decisions. 

All the reasons why babies terrify me

And every childless person I know is pretty much terrified of kids too. (All except one of my friends – she’s totally going to be go-to person if I can’t mother right.) Most childless people live adult lives, stay away from kids and look horrified when excited parents ask them when they are making little people. So I know I cannot be the only one that can put together a list of reasons why babies scare me.

Here are some of the reasons that babies terrify me and despite being pregnant with three months to go, I still haven’t gotten over it. Let’s hope once The Little Dude arrives that these fears will be a thing of the past. 

1. My mother once told me that I could break a newborn’s neck if I didn’t support its head properly. As accident-prone as I am, from then on out I decided newborns were safer when they were not in my arms. So no, I don’t actually know how to hold these fragile things.

2. I once dropped a baby…well more like let it roll off the couch on to the floor because I was preoccupied with TV. I was still a kid myself but my superpower of being engrossed in TV and drowning out all other distractions has only gotten stronger!

3. I prefer to go through life in a chilled manner. Something tells me this is not conducive to raising kids.

4. I don’t particularly like children. I don’t think anyone does. I’m just a bit more vocal about my opinions. I can totally do well behaved kids that are full of spunk and personality. But what if mine aren’t like that??? And before you judge me and say you adore them, today I encountered a kid whose primary form of communication was shrieking. Now, which one of you can tell me you like that little shit?

5. Every décor and furniture item in my house has been handpicked to look showroom-style stunning. I have a beige Coricraft couch that kids and dogs are not allowed on, a glass dining table surrounded by cream coloured upholstered chairs that not even my guests eat at, and don’t get me started on my fragile décor pieces.

6. I am the laziest person I know. I’m assuming I can’t procrastinate tending to a crying kid cos lying on the couch is more comfortable.

7. I have not hung around kids since I was a kid. I totally forget that you need to watch what you say. My life is an open book, I am so opinionated and I like to think I’m entertaining too – I once spoke of a threesome in front of two kids. God, I hope they didn’t absorb that and ask their parents about it later. How do you even respond to a question like that!

8. I love sleep. If I could, I’d spend much more time on it. Except weekend mornings when my body is way too excited to live life instead of spending it in bed. It annoys me so much when people tell me to enjoy my sleep now cos I am not looking forward to saying goodbye to one of my favourite past times.

9.  I wrote a blog post about all the stupid thingsI’ve done, e.g. forgetting my handbag. What if I forget the baby somewhere!!!

10. I haven’t had the best of pregnancies. It’s like my body is rejecting The Little Dude. He’s resilient as ever and seems unfazed by everything I’m going through. What if this is all a sign that I am not quite cut out for motherhood?

11. I’m pretty indecisive about most things. Sometimes I choose to not decide at all cos I can be quite chilled. I have a sneaky suspicion that The Little Dude is not going to have a proper name until it comes to me. And if it doesn’t come to me and I am pressured to give him a name for like Home Affairs registration reasons, I’m worried that I’ll pick whatever and then regret it for the rest of his life!

12. I don’t know much about boy babies (or babies in general) so what do I call his boy bits? Pee-pee? Do I pretend that testicles don’t exist? Do I give him a name for those? Why do they even need names? Those things have no function for a baby anyway. 

13. I have more friends without kids than friends with kids. I also prefer hanging with my friends without little monsters ruining the social experience. Therefore having kids doesn’t seem normal to me. 

14. Eating is a social experience for me. If I don’t have company to eat and talk with, then I might as well have a slice of toast as my meal. Considering that The Husband and I are quite the foodies, I am not going to enjoy our fancy meal if we have to eat one at a time cos apparently, one of us needs to tend to The Little Dude at all times. I just thought of a way around this – what if we train him to sleep during supper time?

15. I don’t get rid of my old clothes. I wear them even when they are in tatters. The Husband is embarrassed by this so I found a way around it. I wear the tattered clothes until I go away on holiday and on business. Then I wear them one last time and chuck them in the hotel bin after doing a little funeral ceremony for them. I suspect The Little Dude is going to be wearing clothes with holes in them just cos I can’t let go.

16. I happen to like being thin. I see what happens to moms. They eat their kids’ leftovers, get way too busy to exercise and before they know it, they tell skinny women that they used to be thin too.

17. I don’t know how to speak to babies and I don’t know what they are trying to say to me. What if I end up not talking to The Little Dude until he can string a sentence together all because we can’t communicate with each other? I don’t think this is very healthy. Worse still, I can totally do baby talk – what if I resort to that for communication and then stunt his verbal growth?

18. I’m judgemental. I judge other mothers who think their kids are amazing. I judge kids. I am actively trying to remember to not judge The Little Dude if he can’t speak at 3 years old while little girls his age are rambling on with full sentences. 

19. Um, childbirth. I’m distraught that my delivery method has already been chosen for me because of my fibroid. At the same time, I’m also relieved cos I don’t think squeezing out a watermelon through my va-jay-jay in excruciating pain is the best method nature could have come up with. I am seriously wondering whether I’m going to start crying in fear when the day comes when I’ll be butchered open.

20. I am 6 months pregnant and I have only bought a pram for The Little Dude…and his car seat…that fits into a car with an isofix base. We don’t have the car with the isofix points as yet! I haven’t prepared for this kid’s arrival. And to keep my sanity, I am like…so what…if the kid comes today, he’ll sleep on my bed…just like I did when I was born. He’ll be fine. 

21. Boojies! I am terrified of them. I try to convince The Husband to keep the doors and windows closed in the midst of a heatwave so that I don’t have to deal with them in my house. My uncle used to say that if the house was on fire and there was a cockroach between me and the front door, I would burn alive. I remember many a times living in one room of the house or forgoing meals because of a roach. What if there’s one between me and The Little Dude? Would it be acceptable to just wait for The Husband to get home and deal with it?

22. I totally disagree with the people that say motherhood comes naturally to women. No it doesn’t! It just appears natural because throughout history, women had babies quite young and were exposed to them all their lives with big families. They knew how to carry them, put ‘em to sleep, care for them – all before they bore their own. That’s learned behaviour – not natural!

23. Kids are freaky. Have you seen horror movies? They stare into space – the movies say they can see the spirits in the room. They have imaginary friends – the movies say they are talking to ghosts. And in some of those movies, they are the demonic killers. I don’t think I could be alone with kids displaying these behaviours.

What are some of your fears when it comes to having babies? 

How am I supposed to raise a child when this is how I behave

I remember when I first started working in a corporate environment. I went to a meeting with a client, at the client’s premises, and proceeded to impress them on the work that I was going to deliver. At the end of the meeting, I stood up in my little suit, shook everyone’s hands and left with a smug feeling of how professional I had come across. As I walked to my car, I realised I didn’t have my car keys because something was missing – my handbag – that I left in the client’s boardroom. That was in 2006. Looking back, I think it was understandable. Fresh into adulthood, who carried a handbag at that age anyway?

Bonding would probably be more fun over a drink...just saying :-)

Fast forward to 2015 when I went out with my friends for a fancy dinner. As my husband and I pulled into our driveway after supper, he asked, “Where’s your handbag?” At that moment, I realised it was in the restaurant. What excuse did I have now? Who carries handbags? 30 year old women – that’s who! 30 year old women who are supposed to be responsible enough to take care of a child, let alone remember to take her handbag when leaving a place.

So what do I do when little Pepperoni one day forgets his toy box – or whatever it is that little kids carry around. Do I say, “Dude – it’s ok. Do you even wanna know how many times I’ve left my handbag behind?”

And then there was my epic European trip where I was waiting to go down the Alps in a ski lift. I looked in the empty lift and said out loud, “oh look. A pole!” I proceeded to grab onto the pole fully clothed with just my face being the only naked part of my body. I hoisted myself upside down with my arm muscles proudly holding up my body weight as my gloved up hands continued to slide at great speed until I fell…hard…at 5 months pregnant. The first thing I did was turn over on my back, like I belonged in that position on the floor. The next thing was to look around at who saw me. No one! Perfect. Now where’s The Husband to hoist me up and pretend like nothing happened? He was looking away pretending like he didn’t know me.

When Pepperoni has a stupid idea, thinks it through and still decides to act on it, what do I do? Do I sing, “You got it from ya mamma”? Does The Husband pretend like it’s not his kid? How am I supposed to raise a kid when I do such stupid things?

Oh and you know how fussy kids are when it comes to food. I was that fussy kid. It all started when I was a baby and wouldn’t eat the first solids all Indian kids started on – buttered bread and tea. I spat it out, vomited it up and would rather stay hungry. I became a fussy adult eater – to the point that I unintentionally insult my in-laws every time I’m around them. I don’t like certain foods and as much as I try to eat them, there are just certain things I cannot stomach – think every yogurt type dish that is pinnacle of Gujarati cuisine. Now what happens when Pepperoni does the exact same thing? I so desperately want to say, “I understand, Kid”. 

It seems like all mothers I know are responsible people. So I can't be the only one like this right? Tell me there’s more like me out there – the happy-go-lucky ones that do silly things all the time and laugh it off. They also raise kids despite how they behave...right? 

Why Valentine’s Day is not that important to me

Don’t get me wrong. Surprise me with a bunch of flowers on V-day and I will be totally infatuated with you. It probably stems from the fact that I’ve never really been romantically spoiled until recent years.  Now that I am loved ALL THE TIME, I think the whole concept of Valentine’s Day, for established couples, is really silly.

I mean, what’s the point? Is it like a day to create awareness – like World Aids Day? I doubt it. We’re surrounded by love all the time especially when the wave of weddings hit. It’s preached in religion and all forms of modern entertainment. It’s whispered by giggling girls and dreamed off by the ones who long for that romantic love. The world is aware. So what is really about?

Some people jokingly call this Hallmark Day – a day that retailers cash in on sales from cards, chocolates and gifts. Despite knowing this, the majority of people still celebrate it because it’s important. This day symbolises the love we have or want to have.

I love the concept that everyday should be Valentine’s Day. I thoroughly believe that. All too often I see couples who aren’t at their lovey-dovey best throughout the year but on this special day, they put aside whatever differences they have and show their love.

I like to think that sprinkling love and adventure every day is far more important than the forced bunch of roses I can show off on one specific day of the year. I like that I feel loved every day. The Husband and I surprise each other with little events, games and random gifts all the time. Even better than surprise gifts are the well thought out decisions we make together on what we’d like to spend our money on to spoil ourselves.

The truth is that love is not a candlelit dinner. It’s making a plan together when finances look gloomy. It’s cheering each other up when the one has a bad day and knowing when to leave your partner alone. It’s having fun while preparing for the daunting and expensive task of having a baby. It’s sharing household responsibilities. It’s appreciating the sacrifices. It’s making soup when the other has man-flu. It’s debating over what the next holiday should be when your ideas of travel and relaxation are so different. It’s surviving a whole day of sport on TV. It’s also about knowing when to celebrate a day you don’t believe in because it’s important to your partner.

If you’re celebrating Valentine’s Day as an established couple, that’s awesome. I think it’s great to be able to reflect on why you fell in love and maybe even rekindle some lost passion. But also think about how you’re going to experience the love on 15 February…and the day after that and in the weeks and months to come. 

My birthday wishlist

I was so hesitant to put together a birthday wish list lastyear for fear that I come across as a demanding person.  Instead, it helped friends wanting to buy me a gift by giving them ideas on what I would most appreciate as a birthday present. It also worked spectacularly for me – one of my favourite gifts was my Coricraft clock that now sits perfectly in my open plan living area. So here’s what I’m lusting after this year.

Le Creuset

Ever since the Le Creuset store opened up in Sandton City, it’s been one of my go-to stores for gifts for friends. I never bought anything for myself since it always seemed so splurgy. Recently, after picking up a casserole dish for a friend, I left with a brochure of all their products. I was surprised to find out that Le Creuset cast iron and stainless steel products all come with a lifetime guarantee! It made me want the entire range even more. The husband and I love cooking and entertaining. I love the cast iron classic buffet casserole. Not only is cast iron a great conductor on all sources of heat, this looks stunning brought to the table for guests to dig in. At R2100 for the 2.0 litre/26cm, it’s definitely a splurge item but browse through the Le Creuset website for tons of cheaper products that I love and I'm sure you will too. Just remember that my favourite Le Creuset colour is cherry.

A much needed hair treatment

The last time I cut my hair was before my wedding. It was nothing more than a cut and my simple hairdresser from back home did it for me for about R50. My hair now looks super long, shapeless and hides lots of greys while my hair is down. Since coming back from my epic European trip, it also needs some TLC to get back to a healthy shine. I’m a simple girl so it’s no wonder that I’ve never visited a proper hair salon and have never had any treatments. I’ve been thinking that now is the time. I assume I need a treatment but what do I need – Olaplex, Brazilian, Opti – it's all so confusing. Colour – yes please but should I just cover the greys or do I need highlights? I don’t even know where I should be going to so I would love a recommendation along with a voucher for what I should be doing.

Dermalogica products

I only use Dermalogica products on my face. I’ve even converted my husband so we’re no strangers to their range. My bathroom has the special cleansing gel, microfoliant, multi-vitamin power recovery masque, ultracalming mist, skin hydrating booster and an almost empty moisturiser. The one thing that I haven’t yet tried is the renewal lip complex. It’s a blend of avocado oil and shea and cocoa seed butters to moisturise lips to make them soft and kissable on my new baby’s skin. At R510, it’s pricey for a lip balm but given the wonders that Dermalogica does to my face, I think it’ll be worth it.

   

A mommy-to-be massage

I love how I haven’t gained much weight and although I have some pain, I’m not walking around like a massive whale. I’m hoping that by the time my birthday comes around that I’m not large and uncomfortable but if I am, I would love to get a mommy-to-be massage. I found that Renaissance Spa does preggy massages – a lot of spas steer clear of women about to pop. I love the sound of the Gorgeous Glow Pregnancy Massage Package but I’ll probably be bored of 4 and a half hours by myself so I’ll opt for the Mama Mio Pregnancy Massage. It’s R590 for a full body massage.

Great smells

Whenever I have people over to my house, I light up the baobab soy lite wax candle in my bathroom. I love the fragrance and the candle jar is so pretty – a little baobab tree lights up. I got them together with a matching hand wash and lotion from the Soil online store. At R220, it’s not badly priced. I’m looking to replace the baobab range with coconut. Doesn’t this uplifting coconut organic soy wax candle look gorgeous!

Mommy mobile

I've had my little car for nine years now! When The Unborn announced his impending arrival, things had to change and the biggest change has to be my little car that served me well as these years. I'm heartbroken to let Vomit go but oh so excited at all the new options. Top of my list is the Mazda CX-5. With a reverse camera, ISO fix points and space for my stroller, it offers the best value for money in it's segment. At R335 000, I think this is best as a gift I give to myself. 

 

The great pregnancy announcement

We found out we were pregnant very early into the pregnancy. I was about 3 weeks pregnant and all you could see was a yolk sac in an ultrasound.

I had tons of cute ideas like this. I just became way too sick to even think about executing them.

I am an open book. I tweet about what is happening in my life. I write blog posts about how I wasn’t entirely happy in a phase of life when everyone is supposed to be. And I tell strangers whatever pops into my head. I don’t think I have any secrets.

And then I’m thrown into the first trimester, the hush-hush trimester, where you’re allowed to tell everyone that you’re trying to have a baby but can’t tell them you’re pregnant for fear of a miscarriage announcement ruining the whole experience.

I didn’t know what to do. Firstly, I didn’t want to tell anyone because I hadn’t even come to terms with my feelings. Secondly, society dictates that I’m not supposed to tell anyone. Thirdly, all I wanted to do was tweet about the fugitive I was harbouring that was trying to kill me!

Early pregnancy support

The husband had a lot more support than me. Everyone at his workplace knew immediately with all the hospital visits and running home to a sick wife during the work day. It was pretty awesome that they all knew. He had support when he needed to take time off or needed to vent about my moods. Everyone had some piece of advice to help him survive the first trimester.

I told the immediate family at about 6 weeks in, after our first gynae appointment when we heard a heartbeat. The husband didn’t want to say anything to them because he wanted to save them the heartache in case the worst happens. That was around the time my morning sickness from hell started but it helped having their support when I was hooked up to a drip in hospital from severe dehydration.

But all I wanted to do was tell everyone, in the moment, that I’m dying. It’s what I do. When someone asks me, what’s new – that’s what’s new. If I could do it all again, I wouldn’t keep my mouth shut. It’s not a big pregnancy announcement – it’s what’s going on in my life.

But what about the risk of miscarriage

What about it? Surely, if the worst happens, I’d want support. Imagine grieving all alone and not having the people I see every day not knowing what I’m going through. And not telling people is precisely why women take it so badly when they miscarry – wrongly believing it’s a fault of theirs. Because no one talks about it so we don’t know just how common this is.

Or maybe you want to keep things quiet because you’re a private person. It’s ok. Do whatever feels right for you. I cannot possibly imagine the pain of previous miscarriages and maybe if I went through something like that, I wouldn’t want to talk about it until I’m in the clear.

It’s ok to not tell everyone you know

The people who knew I was pregnant were excited when I started my second trimester. It was now time to make the big announcement. The only problem was that I no longer wanted to announce anything. Not only did I feel like one big liar for 3 months but I am not the flashy person that wants to show off my latest thing that I kept hidden for some time now. Really, I don’t know how those people with the big announcements do it – everyone must know. I suppose they had the excitement factor that I was also missing.

I wasn’t that excited. My life was coming to an end. And it just didn’t feel right to announce it to people. If it came up in casual conversation, I wouldn’t hide it from anyone. I’m sure there are tons of people who still don’t know I’m pregnant and you know what, I’m fine with that.

Ultimately, it’s your pregnancy. Do whatever you want. Shout it from the rooftops at 13 weeks if you want to. Playfully tell people when it feels right. Hand out prizes to people who spot the bump and come to the conclusion themselves. Who cares about everyone else – do what you feel is best for you.