Rock, paper, scissors

Naming my son was by far the biggest responsibility I have ever had. And I have had pretty big responsibilities in my life. Still, the burden of naming my baby far outweighed anything else I've been through. He will be defined by this name for the rest of his life. Also, what if I name him something and change my mind later? This responsibility comes with such finality.

What made it even more difficult was the hard and fast rules Hindus abide by without ever questioning their current day relevance. At birth, you're supposed to map out the alignment of the planetary bodies at the specific time and geographic location of birth. Through a few formulas, you're given a syllable or letter of the Hindi alphabet which you use as a starting letter to name your child. Until then, the foetus and newborn is nameless for fear of what bad luck may bring.

But ever since I can remember, I always had an alphabet preference. I love so many boys names beginning with the letter A and knew my son would one day be named Aashiq. Then everything got messed up when I decided to have a child...with someone...someone who also wanted a say in naming his child. Unexpectedly, my dreams also jumped onto the A name bandwagon and decided on Aarav.

The priest had come back to us with disastrous letters. They were so bad that I enlisted the help of the Twitterverse with #HelpNameSqueak. I went through lists of names horrified at the prospect of naming my child one of them. Still, none of the names appealed to me. Here's what we came up with for the letters D and H:
- Dayaram Daya (the same name for a surname. Anyone remember Scot Scott?)
- Doogie Howser (when you need inspiration from pop culture. Mind you there are many a Ronaldo Govender in Chatsworth who's parents were inspired by Manchester United.)
- Harshit (why wait for schoolkids to make fun of your child's name when you can do it yourself)
- Aashiq Deepshith Hardik Daya (how about keeping the names I like and settling on H and D as middle names? ADHD. How's that monogrammed on a towel?)
- Hariprasad (This just sounds like an old man - not appropriate as a newborn name at all.)
- Hriday (I'm not even sure I can pronounce this name propely).
- Hanuman (I love names with beautiful meanings but I draw the line with religious God names. I mean if Squeak decides to become a drug dealer or stripper, I don't want his name to hold him back.)
- Himanshu (would I be able to yell this name out when he's in trouble?)

Six days after his birth, we gave up on H and D, not knowing how to tell the religious parents that we were going to scrap tradition and go with a name we liked. I was thrilled at naming his Aashiq but now The Husband preferred Aarav. How did we resolve another naming conflict? Rock, paper, scissors, of course.

A day in the life of a new mom

I knew having a newborn around would be hard. I mean I used to joke about how I might go through an entire day without showering. So I knew. But experiencing it is something else entirely. I thought I'd share exactly what I get up to in a day so that anyone about to have a baby can get all the details and those without newborns can be grateful that they can lead normal lives.

Squeak is now one month old - 6 weeks to be exact. I think that is important to mention since my day looked very different a few weeks ago. In fact, it was a lot easier than this phase.

I am starting my day at 4pm. That's when Squeak decided to go to bed for sleepy time last night.

15:58 Ah so content in my arms. I can't believe he wants to sleep now when The Husband is about to come home from work. Oh well, there goes your play time with dad and the bath you were supposed to have.

16:00 Feeling exhausted, I'm grateful that we started preparing supper last night. Time to catch up with The Husband, finish cooking, enjoy a delicious meal together which we rarely get to do.

19:30 Squeak screams bloody murder! We manage to get him into PJs. Do you know what a mission it is to put a vest over his head? His head is like a third of his body. Memo to self: google how big a baby's head is supposed to be in proportion to his body. The exhaustion is catching up with me. That's it! After this feed, I'm going to get an early night.

20:00 I put Squeak down to sleep. So cute! I think he's dreaming about boobs. He has a smile on his face, moves his head around looking for a boob while he opens his mouth and tries to bite down. I'm happy he's just dreaming and then get into bed.

20:33 waaaah I check the time expecting Squeak to have gone down for three hours. So much for catching up on some sleep. Memo to self: when The Husband gets home at 4, I need to make that my new nap time. He gets a clean diaper amidst the wriggles and flailing around all over the changing mat.

22:42 He's up again. I cradle him close to me and he feels wet. I look at Squeak. See what happens when you wriggle around. The Husband awakes for diaper duty and then back to me for a feed. He falls asleep on the boob. I put him back down to sleep.

00:35 How I wish I didn't have to get up. This time it looks like Squeak just wants to be held while he tries to break wind. I never thought I would comfort someone to the point of helping him fart. This must be love. He goes back to sleep only to scream from gas pain minutes later. I hold him and massage him and feel like crying because he's in pain. This continues for a few hours until the wind is out and he sleeps again. 

03:43 Another cry jolts me awake. I look to the right and The Husband is fast asleep. I promised him I wouldn't wake him up for this 4 o'clock nappy change. I'm going this one alone. Aite! Executive decision made. No diaper change even though I smell something a bit unsavoury. Let's get straight to the boobs! As the feed goes on, I can see Squeak expelling waste, I can smell it and Squeak starts to fuss because he's uncomfortable. I ignore it. I change it up and give Squeak a different boob to play with. Oh no, he's wide awake and fusses louder. The Husband suggests changing him in a groggy voice. Ugh...I brave the cold to find the biggest poop ever. Where did all that shit even come from? Like where in this tiny body? Where? I ponder about what a bad mother I am while I try to put him to sleep.

04:30 Still fussing. He won't sleep. You know why? Cos I should have changed his diaper early on. Now he's wide awake and loud.

05:00 Rocking him doesn't work. I place him on my chest while I'm propped at an uncomfortable 45 degree angle. Soon, with pelvic thrusts to gently rock him (how else do you rock a baby lying down), he falls asleep.

05:30 He's asleep. I'm sleepy but I might drop him. I calculate that despite going to bed at 8pm, I've had 4 hours of sleep. I could do with more. I put him in bed. Within minutes he's back on my chest crying cos no amount of blankets can replicate my warmth. I shortly try rolling over to my side so he lies in my bed still touching me. Nope! He wants to lie on top of me. Fine then!

06:30 The Husband kisses me goodbye. Great! Another breakfast with him missed. I was really hoping we could continue starting our days together with a meal.

07:52 Squeak wakes up. Time to start the day. I managed to get an hour of sleep in there. Clearly my need for sleep out weighed my logical thinking that Squeak could have fallen off my chest.

09:00 Awake time. I set up his play mat in the bathroom and place him on there. I slowly attempt to get ready to shower in case he needs me. I take off my clothes slowly and he doesn't seem to mind entertaining himself. As soon as I step into the shower, I hear him whimper. I rush to him naked and pacify him. He's calm and I attempt to shower a few more times. Eventually, I'm in the shower. Time to prioritise. At lightning speed, I wash the essentials. The baby is still doing ok. Yay! I can wash my body today. I soap up my body and he yells out for me. Ah crap! "Mommy's here, baby." I wash off the soap and try to get to him as quickly as possible. His cries get louder. "I'm right here. You can hear my voice, baby". Louder now and I'm worried that the construction workers next door are going to call child services for an unattended child. "It's ok, babe. I'm coming right now. Water switched off and I rush to him dripping water all over his play mat. He won't calm down. I cuddle him. Put him down. Dry myself. Great, my boobs know that he is crying. Wrap a towel over myself and bring his hungry mouth to the milk dripping for him. Feed him while being depressed that I'm sitting in a wet towel dancing to his tune. Somehow I squeeze in getting dressed and brushing my teeth despite the fact that no one will see me today. 

10:55 He starts to fuss again. I carry him with me and pop a slice of bread in the toaster. I gulp my toast down as he screams for his own breakfast. What is that in his ear? Holy shit! It's a breadcrumb. I try to inspect further in his ear. What else did I drop in there? Squeak's breakfast is served and Squeak decides that the day has much more to offer than his dreams. He fights the yawns to stay awake while I put him to sleep. 

11:30 Aww cute man. He's asleep in my arms. I gently put him in his crib and then sit down to sort out work admin. He cries before I could even switch on my laptop. I rock him to sleep and put him down again. This keeps happening. I get no work done and I eventually decide to let him sleep in my arms while I watch some random shows on television. I dream about the days when whipping up lunch was so easy. I'm hungry but I don't want to move in case I wake him up. 

14:02 He's had a good two hours of sleep and now he demands food. Nay, he wants booby? A new nappy? Entertainment? God! I don't know. I offer all of this and there's still crying in between like it's not enough. Baby seems to have a meltdown. 

14: 30 I can't wait for The Husband to come home to take over. Let's put on some Rockabye to lull him to sleep. Don't wanna be an American Idiot. Am I supposed to be exposing him to my worldly views this early?

15:00 I feel bad for being frustrated. I apologise to him about what a bad mother I am and that I deserve all the scolding he seems to be giving me. 

15: 35 The Husband put the laundry to was this morning. All I was supposed to do was hang it up to dry. Crying baby and one arm rendered useless because I'm carrying him. Seems like mission impossible. Idea! I should take one item of clothing out of the washing machine at a time. Maybe walking to the clotheshorse outside (which fell over while I tried to put it up) and back will help him to sleep. Nope, it just resulted in a sore shoulder and back from lugging around three kilos while walking unnecessarily.

15:50 Looks like he was crying because he was tired. He's dozing off to sleep. Another day of no play with The Husband. Another day skipping a bath. I don't know how healthy this is.

16:00 uh huh uh huh uh huh Looks like he's still fighting that sleep. Daddy bonding over bath time will happen after all. And maybe now that he's home, I can eat some lunch.

And so the cycle continues. Slightly different every day but each day comes with it's sleep deprivation, parent frustration, baby fussiness and cuteness overload. Does it sound familiar if you've been there?

A day in the life of a new mom

I knew having a newborn around would be hard. I mean I used to joke about how I might go through an entire day without showering. So I knew. But experiencing it is another thing entirely. I thought I'd share exactly what I get up to in a day so that anyone about to have a baby can get all the details and those without newborns can be grateful that they can lead normal lives.

Squeak is now one month old - 6 weeks to be exact. I think that is important to mention since my day looked very different a few weeks ago. In fact, it was a lot easier than this phase.

I am starting my day at 4pm. That's when Squeak decided to go to bed for sleepy time last night.

15:58 Ah so content in my arms. I can't believe he wants to sleep now when The Husband is about to come home from work. Oh well, there goes your play time with dad and the bath you were supposed to have.

16:00 Feeling exhausted, I'm grateful that we started preparing supper last night. Time to catch up with The Husband, finish cooking, enjoy a delicious meal together which we rarely get to do.

19:30 Squeak screams bloody murder! We manage to get him into PJs. Do you know what a mission it is to put a vest over his head? His head is like a third of his body. Memo to self: google how big a baby's head is supposed to be in proportion to his body. The exhaustion is catching up with me. That's it! After this feed, I'm going to get an early night.

20:00 I put Squeak down to sleep. So cute! I think he's dreaming about boobs. He has a smile on his face, moves his head around looking for a boob while he opens his mouth and tries to bite down. I'm happy he's just dreaming and then get into bed.

20:33 waaaah I check the time expecting Squeak to have gone down for three hours. So much for catching up on some sleep. Memo to self: when The Husband gets home at 4, I need to make that my new nap time. He gets a clean diaper amidst the wriggles and flailing around all over the changing mat.

22:42 He's up again. I cradle him close to me and he feels wet. I look at Squeak. See what happens when you wriggle around. The Husband awakes for diaper duty and then back to me for a feed. He falls asleep on the boob. I put him back down to sleep.

00:35 How I wish I didn't have to get up. This time it looks like Squeak just wants to be held while he tries to fart. I never thought I would comfort someone to the point of helping him fart. This must be love. He goes back to sleep only to scream in pain minutes later. I hold him and massage him and feel like crying because he's in pain. This continues for a few hours until the wind is out and he sleeps again. 

03:43 Another cry jolts me awake. I look to the right and The Husband is fast asleep. I promised him I wouldn't wake him up for this 4 o'clock nappy change. I'm going this one alone. Aite! Executive decision made. No diaper change even though I smell something a bit unsavoury. Let's get straight to the boobs! As the feed goes on, I can see Squeak expelling waste, I can smell it and Squeak starts to fuss because he's uncomfortable. I ignore it. I change it up and give Squeak a different boob to play with. Oh no, he's wide awake and fusses louder. The Husband suggests changing him in a groggy voice. Ugh...I brave the cold to find the biggest poop ever. Where did all that shit even come from? Like where in this tiny body? I ponder about what a bad mother I am while I try to put him to sleep.

04:30 Still fussing. He won't sleep. You know why? Cos I should have changed him early on. Now he's wide awake and loud.

05:00 Rocking him doesn't work. I place him on my chest while I'm propped at an uncomfortable 45 degree angle. Soon, with pelvic thrusts to gently rock him (how else do you rock a baby lying down), he falls asleep.

05:30 He's asleep. I'm sleepy but I might drop him. I calculate that despite going to bed at 8pm, I've had 4 hours of sleep. I could do with more. I put him in bed. Within minutes he's back on my chest crying cos no amount of blankets can replicate my warmth. I shortly try rolling over to my side so he lies in my bed still touching me. Nope! He wants to lie on top of me. Fine then!

06:30 The Husband kisses me goodbye. Great! Another breakfast with him missed. I was really hoping we could continue starting our days together with a meal.

07:52 Squeak wakes up. Time to start the day. I managed to get an hour of sleep in there. Clearly my need for sleep out weighed my logical thinking that Squeak could have fallen off my chest.

09:00 Awake time. I set up his play mat in the bathroom and place him on there. I slowly attempt to get ready to shower in case he needs me. I take off my clothes slowly and he doesn't seem to mind entertaining himself. As soon as I step into the shower, I hear him whimper. I rush to him naked and pacify him. He's calm and I attempt to shower a few more times. Eventually, I'm in the shower. Time to prioritise. At lightning speed, I wash the essentials. The baby is still doing ok. Yay! I can wash my body today. I soap up my body and he yells out for me. Ah crap! "Mommy's here, baby." I wash off the soap and try to get to him as quickly as possible. His cries get louder. "I'm right here. You can hear my voice, baby". Louder now and I'm worried that the construction workers next door are going to call child services for an unattended child. "It's ok, babe. I'm coming right now. Water switched off and I rush to him dripping water all over his play mat. He won't calm down. I cuddle him. Put him down. Dry myself. Great, my boobs know that he is crying. Wrap a towel over myself and bring his hungry mouth to the milk dripping for him. Feed him while being depressed that I'm sitting in a wet towel dancing to his tune. Somehow I squeeze in getting dressed and brushing my teeth despite the fact that no one will see me today. 

10:55 He starts to fuss again. I carry him with me and pop a slice of bread in the toaster. I gulp my toast down as he screams for his own breakfast. What is that in his ear? Holy shit! It's a breadcrumb. I try to inspect further in his ear. What else did I drop in there? Squeak's breakfast is served and Squeak decides that the day has much more to offer than his dreams. He fights the yawns to stay awake while I put him to sleep. 

11:30 Aww cute man. He's asleep in my arms. I gently put him in his crib and then sit down to sort out work admin. He cries before I could even switch on my laptop. I rock him to sleep and put him down again. This keeps happening. I get no work done and I eventually decide to let him sleep in my arms while I watch some random shows on television. I dream about the days when whipping up lunch was so easy. I'm hungry but I don't want to move in case I wake him up. 

14:02 He's had a good two hours of sleep and now he demands food. Nay, he wants booby? A new nappy? Entertainment? God! I don't know. I offer all of this and there's still crying in between like it's not enough. Baby seems to have a meltdown. 

14: 30 I can't wait for The Husband to come home to take over. Let's put on some Rockabye to lull him to sleep. Don't wanna be an American Idiot. Am I supposed to be exposing him to my worldly views this early?

15:00 I feel bad for being frustrated. I apologise to him about what a bad mother I am and that I deserve all the scolding he seems to be giving me. 

15: 35 The Husband put the laundry to was this morning. All I was supposed to do was hang it up to dry. Crying baby and one arm rendered useless because I'm carrying him. Seems like mission impossible. Idea! I should take one item of clothing out of the washing machine at a time. Maybe walking to the clotheshorse outside (which fell over while I tried to put it up) and back will help him to sleep. Nope, it just resulted in a sore shoulder and back from lugging around three kilos while walking unnecessarily.

15:50 Looks like he was crying because he was tired. He's dozing off to sleep. Another day of no play with The Husband. Another day skipping a bath. I don't know how healthy this is.

16:00 uh huh uh huh uh huh Looks like he's still fighting that sleep. Daddy bonding over bath time will happen after all. And maybe now that he's home, I can eat some lunch.

And so the cycle continues. Slightly different every day but each day comes with it's sleep deprivation, parent frustration, baby fussiness and cuteness overload. Does it sound familiar if you've been there?

Friday, the 13th

02:00 I laugh in the face of superstition. That's why I was happy that I was going in for my scheduled c-section on Friday, the 13th. Seemed like a good birth story for my kid to have. That's what I reassured myself with when I woke up for my last middle of the night pregnancy pee break. Alas, my subconscious is still concerned about my upcoming butchering. I couldn't sleep.

I don't know if magical is how I would describe it that day

03:00 Still awake, my water started to break. I didn't know what it was. I told my body no. I refused to investigate this. I needed my last night of sleep.

04:00 Still awake, the alarm goes off signalling time to prepare for The Great Butchering. While The Husband is in the shower, I rush out of bed to find his gift, the New Daddy Hospital Survival Kit, and hide it in the car. As soon as I step out of bed, water starts leaking. I waddle to complete my important mission. Once done, I head to the occupied bathroom to investigate. "I think my water just broke," I announce to The Husband as I look at my wet pajama pants.

05:00 We should already be at the hospital but we're only driving there now. I'm chilled. If my water did break, surely I only need to worry once I feel pain?

06:00 "I think my water broke this morning," I announce to the maternity ward nurses. They ignore it and hand me forms to fill - the same forms The Husband is filling downstairs at hospital reception.

07:00 A nurse finally confirms that my water did indeed break. I thought I chose this date. Nope, Pepperoni chose it. "Fantastic!" My gynae bellows. "You're going in first."

08:00 I change into a hospital gown. The Husband dons scrubs. I joke that they should have given him a beard mask cover thing too. I joke to hide the fear of The Great Butchering. I know he is also nervous and hiding it from me.

08:10 Who am I kidding! I'm terrified. I should tell them to stop. I've changed my mind. I'll live with this foetus inside me forever. They don't need to cut me. I know I'll probably die with vaginal delivery so we don't need to do that either. I'll just will my body to stop growing this foetus. It'll just be like an abnormal abdominal growth. I can live with that. They wheel me into a bright theatre that looks nothing like the Grey's Anatomy ORs.

08:20 I put on a brave face for The Husband as the epidural is administered. Didn't hurt. The IV hurt more. My body goes numb. Enter the nurses to hook up a catheter. I am not afraid of The Great Butchering. I keep telling myself that.

08:30 There's smoke. They started?! What happened to their equivalent  of "It's a good day to save lives"?

08:40 I look up. I can see everything. The lights reflect everything the shield is supposed to cover. I feel tugging and pulling against my insides. It's uncomfortable - almost painful.

08:50 OMG! There's a head. I look at the clock. Time of birth: 08:51. They announce time of death. Why do they never announce time of birth? The head emerges with a body and immediately cries. Hello Baby. He looks like any other baby. I would never be able to spot him in a line-up. Wait! Why isn't he wrinkled?

08:55 I'm being stitched up. There's a baby on my chest. I don't know what to do with him. I kiss him on the forehead. That's what mothers do right? I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I feel pain, nauseous and weak. Is it the side effects of the epidural? The digging around in my tummy? The view of the surgery? The emotions I've been hiding? Am I hiding emotions now?

09:00 I'm wheeled away from the OR. The thing I called Pepperoni is snuggled in my arms and chest. The safest place for him. He isn't trusted with anyone else. He's quiet and still and looks at me as if to say I need you. I look back at him - uncertain.