SandiSplash

02:00 I laugh in the face of superstition. That's why I was happy that I was going in for my scheduled c-section on Friday, the 13th. Seemed like a good birth story for my kid to have. That's what I reassured myself with when I woke up for my last middle of the night pregnancy pee break. Alas, my subconscious is still concerned about my upcoming butchering. I couldn't sleep.

I don't know if magical is how I would describe it that day

03:00 Still awake, my water started to break. I didn't know what it was. I told my body no. I refused to investigate this. I needed my last night of sleep.

04:00 Still awake, the alarm goes off signalling time to prepare for The Great Butchering. While The Husband is in the shower, I rush out of bed to find his gift, the New Daddy Hospital Survival Kit, and hide it in the car. As soon as I step out of bed, water starts leaking. I waddle to complete my important mission. Once done, I head to the occupied bathroom to investigate. "I think my water just broke," I announce to The Husband as I look at my wet pajama pants.

05:00 We should already be at the hospital but we're only driving there now. I'm chilled. If my water did break, surely I only need to worry once I feel pain?

06:00 "I think my water broke this morning," I announce to the maternity ward nurses. They ignore it and hand me forms to fill - the same forms The Husband is filling downstairs at hospital reception.

07:00 A nurse finally confirms that my water did indeed break. I thought I chose this date. Nope, Pepperoni chose it. "Fantastic!" My gynae bellows. "You're going in first."

08:00 I change into a hospital gown. The Husband dons scrubs. I joke that they should have given him a beard mask cover thing too. I joke to hide the fear of The Great Butchering. I know he is also nervous and hiding it from me.

08:10 Who am I kidding! I'm terrified. I should tell them to stop. I've changed my mind. I'll live with this foetus inside me forever. They don't need to cut me. I know I'll probably die with vaginal delivery so we don't need to do that either. I'll just will my body to stop growing this foetus. It'll just be like an abnormal abdominal growth. I can live with that. They wheel me into a bright theatre that looks nothing like the Grey's Anatomy ORs.

08:20 I put on a brave face for The Husband as the epidural is administered. Didn't hurt. The IV hurt more. My body goes numb. Enter the nurses to hook up a catheter. I am not afraid of The Great Butchering. I keep telling myself that.

08:30 There's smoke. They started?! What happened to their equivalent  of "It's a good day to save lives"?

08:40 I look up. I can see everything. The lights reflect everything the shield is supposed to cover. I feel tugging and pulling against my insides. It's uncomfortable - almost painful.

08:50 OMG! There's a head. I look at the clock. Time of birth: 08:51. They announce time of death. Why do they never announce time of birth? The head emerges with a body and immediately cries. Hello Baby. He looks like any other baby. I would never be able to spot him in a line-up. Wait! Why isn't he wrinkled?

08:55 I'm being stitched up. There's a baby on my chest. I don't know what to do with him. I kiss him on the forehead. That's what mothers do right? I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I feel pain, nauseous and weak. Is it the side effects of the epidural? The digging around in my tummy? The view of the surgery? The emotions I've been hiding? Am I hiding emotions now?

09:00 I'm wheeled away from the OR. The thing I called Pepperoni is snuggled in my arms and chest. The safest place for him. He isn't trusted with anyone else. He's quiet and still and looks at me as if to say I need you. I look back at him - uncertain.