Before I forget
I met up with some moms last week and they asked me how my breastfeeding journey was going. I responded with "It's been so hard." So they said I should tell them all about it. And that's when I hit a blank. What was so hard? I couldn't remember. I tried mentally recounting every breastfeeding moment since Squeak was born and I didn't have any incidents to back up my statement that it was hard. I kept wondering whether I imagined it to be hard. Was I just being dramatic cos everything about motherhood is pretty damn hard? Or did I just forget?
Since then I realised I couldn't remember things in Squeak's life. Why couldn't I rest on Day 1? What was I so busy with? I keep saying Squeak was a handful but I don't remember Squeak being that difficult.
I remember struggling to reach and pick up Squeak in the early days but I don't remember that pain. I know my c-section scar made it painful but I can no longer remember or conceptualise that pain.
In such a short space of time, I had experienced that mythical concept mothers speak of that keeps the human race alive. I am slowly forgetting the bad experiences of motherhood and instead I subconsciously focus on the good.
It's a good thing for Squeak. He might have a sibling some day when I forget just how difficult caring for a newborn is. I won't forget the actual experiences. It's more forgetting how it felt.
It also gives me a bit of hope. Maybe one day I'll forget the fights with The Husband, the feeling of helplessness when I had no idea what Squeak needed and what sleep deprivation feels like.
It's amazing how we're made to forget the bad in order to continue to procreate but it's this same forgetfulness that isolates new parents who have no one that relates to them. And one day, I'll become one of them.
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