I tell everyone I meet to make babies because being pregnant is a scary world to be in and I’m alone in this new world. Whenever people ask me about my pregnancy, I’m excited to unload my emotional burdens. When I see their expressions and hear how the rest of the conversations go, I realise again that I’m alone.

No one seems to understand what I’m going through and no one wants to hear about it. I live in an adult world with very few of these adults that have (or will ever) venture into family building phase. Although they cannot relate to me, people without children are probably the best to speak to because we can laugh and joke about the unknown things about to come and they sympathise with what I’m going through. But they go back into their child free world and expect me to move on too.

It’s the people with kids that invalidate my feelings. They think I make up that everyone seems to have perfect pregnancies but it definitely feels that way to me. No one complained during their pregnancies and all they ever did when they had their bumps was glow and giggle about fun times and exciting things to come. All the bad stuff I experience is brushed aside with “it’ll get better” or met with the one-up-man-ship of “at least it’s not as bad as it could be”. It seems that they went through it with no hassles and smiles on their faces so maybe they can’t relate to what I’m going through, maybe I am a wuss and maybe my experiences are just different from theirs but I don’t feel any better speaking to them as excited as they may be for me. 

So yes, when I’m lying lifeless in front of the toilet bowl well into my second trimester and when I’m curled-up in bed because I can feel my slow digestive system painfully struggle to process, I realise I am all alone.

Maybe when things get better and I can excitedly talk about my pregnancy the way everyone else does and the way they want me to, maybe then I’ll feel that everyone who wants to rub my tummy is an ally. But for now, when I need support the most, it saddens me that no one cares about my experiences unless it’s packaged in a way that is appealing to them. 

It seems like I don’t go a week in this pregnancy without exclaiming, “Damn you pregnancy hormones!”  Instead of giving you the lowdown on only the sucky reasons behind that statement, I thought I’d share some of my most memorable moments during the pregnancy – broken down into the good, the bad and the ugly resulting from those pregnancy hormones.

1. I broke down crying while grocery shopping

The good:            My emotions never go on a rollercoaster ride – not even during that time of the month. But the pregnancy had me going through mood swings which made me feel more like a normal woman but The Husband wasn’t used to these mood changes and was totally freaked out.

The bad:              Because I’ve never experienced the mood swings that accompany PMS, I didn’t know how to handle these new emotions. I remember looking forlorn and retreating to my room all because The Husband refused to get me a copy of This is Halloween to watch on Halloween. And the reason he didn’t was because he wasn’t feeling well himself and I had to be all dramatic about it. I was such a female dog!

The ugly:              I totally understand my tears over How I Met Your Mother re-runs but when I broke down crying while grocery shopping, I had to leave the store because that’s how heavy my sobs were. When The Husband rushed outside to find out what happened to me, I could barely explain that I wanted ALL the food amidst the breathless tears. Yes, I cried because I spent time walking through Woolworths and Checkers wanting to eat everything – fruit, snacks, cakes, everything. But I didn’t allow myself to buy anything so I became so upset about depriving myself of something I felt I really NEEDED.

2. Falling asleep…everywhere

The good:            Sleep is one of my favourite past times especially when I have work to go to the next day. 

The bad:              I have to get out of bed to go to work. They say when you’re pregnant, you’re more tired. They didn’t say that you struggle to get out of bed in the mornings, struggle to stay awake at your desk, pass out on the couch when you get home, only to sleep through the night and do it all over again the next day.

The ugly:              Also, just because you’re tired, doesn’t mean you can sleep. There’s a whole host of things that keep you awake at night – nausea, the urge to pee all the time, heartburn, finding a comfortable position to sleep in that accommodates the new stomach, being awoken by excruciating pain from leg cramps….

3. Making a comfy little spot in front of the toilet

The good:            High 5 to staying thin.

The bad:              You can read all about it here. 

The ugly:              I still have morning sickness at 35 weeks. That’s 8 months for those of you who don’t speak baby. 

4. If I’m not going to the toilet to throw up, it’s to pee

The good:            The frequent urination initially only lasted for about a month. I think it was in my second or third month of pregnancy to be (vaguely) precise. And now that I’ve hit month 8, it’s back! Well 3 out of the 9 months is not so bad. I know someone who gets up 6 times a night to pee – and she’s not pregnant. 

The bad:              I love my sleep. I don’t appreciate waking up in the middle of the night to tinkle. It’s damn annoying. How do the weak-bladder-ed ever go back to sleep after that?

The ugly:              Remember how I said I have a Coricraft couch and only people who know how to keep my Coricraft couch safe are allowed to sit on it? Well one day, because of my pregnancy rhinitis, I sneezed and guess what happened next? I pee’d myself! Imagine balancing the shock of realising I had a bout of incontinence with the thought of wanting to check whether I messed the couch.

5. Looking like a pimply-faced teenager

The good:            Did I tell you how I found out I was pregnant? It was acne that drove me to the GP.

The bad:              The acne was everywhere! Even on my decoupage.  Like seriously, who gets puss-filled white head pimples on their chest?!

The ugly:              “You’re glowing,” say the people who lie to my face. Maybe it wasn’t a lie. Maybe I had a good skin day. That happens to the non-pregnant too. But I know it’s a lie from the people who don’t know what else to say to me (try saying nothing) because the honest ones say, “you haven’t started glowing yet.” And of course a skin care therapist looked at me sorrowfully a few weeks ago and suggested a skincare routine to start glowing.

6. When pregnant women waddle, it’s because they have haemorrhoids or they are holding in a fart

The good:            Since getting probed by a doctor to diagnose my piles, I am now telling all the men I know to go get their prostates checked. It’s not that bad.

The bad:              While we’re on the backdoor subject, farting is a regular occurrence. I’m not talking about those girly whiffs of air that you let out so no one knows. I’m talking full on loud farts that wake my husband up. Sometimes, I don’t even think about holding it in. Without even knowing, I let one rip and only afterwards do I turn around to see who may have witnessed that.

The ugly:              Back to the probing thing, did you know that not all outies are haemorrhoids? It could be rectal prolapse. That’s how bad pregnancy is – it could make your rectum fall out your asshole!  I was so depressed when I found out that every woman I spoke to never went through this. I also took so much care to not develop constipation throughout my pregnancy only to find out that the baby was just too heavy for my structure to hold and out pops things that should be staying inside my body. I was in a week of pain and all that was recommended for me to do was soak in a warm bath or sit on an ice-pack. And when the pain got worse and I was finally prescribed something, the pre-suppository insertion routine involved lots of crying and lube. I’m guessing I’ve freaked you out enough and I shouldn’t tell you about it bleeding? 

7. Not being able to see my girly parts

The good:            I’m 35 weeks pregnant (8 months) and I put on a whole 3.5kg throughout my pregnancy. I’m so proud of my little rugrat. He seems to be utilising my food consumption so efficiently.

The bad:              I spent most of my pregnancy not looking pregnant. I was the one handing my seat over to the elderly cos I just looked like a bratty thin person who wanted to take a seat on the train.

The ugly:              Even though I haven’t put on that much weight, at 8 months, I can’t see past the bump. As much as I try to bend over, I can’t see what’s going on under that bump. Can you imagine how traumatising that can be for a person so hell bent on never wanting to be fat!

8. My thoughts on the alien trying to break free

The good:            Foetal movements means the baby is doing well.

The bad:              Why is he stomping on my vagina? Is he trying to come out? Is this how pre-term labour starts?

The ugly:              I’m worried he might be having an epileptic attack in there. This is not dancehall. This is not swimming and moving around. How can he move so much, jiggle my entire mid-section and still be considered normal?

9. My over-active imagination

The good:            It’s entertaining and makes my difficult pregnancy easier to manage.

The bad:              I know far too much. Google is so forth-coming with information. I know exactly how this child is going to behave and I am super prepared – down to the art of changing a baby. (The way my generation does it - via Youtube and not through actual experience).

The ugly:              What if he looks like me? What if I don’t like him? What if I am not that parent that’s posts a pic of their prune-y kid on Facebook the moment he is born because I haven’t developed the maternal belief that my child is the most gorgeous kid in the world? Can I give him back to the hospital? 

10. I grew a moustache

The good:            Perhaps the layer of fur on my legs will keep me warm now that winter is rolling in.

The bad:              I grew thick black long hair on my upper lip and the worst part is that I didn’t even care. The only reason I waxed it off was because The Husband begged me to do it before his parents came for a visit.

The ugly:              All that money I spent on laser hair removal is gone down the drain. After years of not having to shave my armpits, it is now part of my daily routine…again.

What makes you scream "Damn you pregnancy hormones!"

I don’t think I’m cut out to be pregnant. Everyone seems to glow when they are pregnant. Not me! I’ve got my tired face in a toilet bowl – at 28 weeks still! It all started with the nausea…

At first, I thought it was all in my head. I just found out I was pregnant and a few days later, I felt pangs of nausea. The nausea got worse. Pretty soon, my mornings weren’t complete without my daily throw up sessions. That was still fine because I picked myself up from the bathroom floor and grumpily headed on to work a bit later than usual. Whenever a wave of nausea hit at work, I’d quickly make and sip on a cup of peppermint tea. I remember once going through 5 cups of tea. I’m not sure how healthy that is or whether it worked. Perhaps it was a psychological feeling cos I kept drinking it until I felt better.

Then one dreaded day, the nausea was amplified and I just could not stop throwing up. I don’t think I had ever thrown up five times in a single day before. If I wasn’t throwing up, I was highly nauseous and holding it all in. All that anti-nausea advice didn’t help. The anti-nausea medication made me throw up. The travel sickness bands were useless. (I still used them hoping the placebo effect would kick in.) The ginger sweets made me throw up. The crackers in the morning turned into paste in my mouth and made me feel nauseous. 

The next day the nausea didn’t give up and in the midst of a heatwave, my husband dragged my dried up body to the doctor. There I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum – basically excessive vomiting due to being pregnant. I was put on a drip for extreme dehydration. The doctor and nurse were so really kind to me. The bad news however was that they couldn’t do any more for me. I’d basically have to stick it out for a few more weeks. They promised it would be over soon. I really hoped so.

With three days of being man down, I couldn’t make it to work and I was convinced that in my largely female team, they probably thought I was just being a big drama queen. All women go through this. I’m just the only one being a big baby about it.

I spoke to my mother about her experience. I found out that through all her three pregnancies, she was violently sick for all nine months! My online “research” didn’t make me feel any better either. A tiny percentage of women get this sick and some have it way worse than me to the point that they have to abort their unborn in order to survive. So I counted my lucky stars and I felt a bit better knowing that this extreme sickness generally comes with a lower risk of miscarriage. I guess this is why my gynae was actually happy about how ill I became.

The constant nausea still lingered and eventually developed into motion sickness. I felt sick when there was turbulence on a plane. I felt sick driving to the grocery store. I felt sick walking or moving too fast!

But I survived that nauseous first trimester. My trick that seemed to work at keeping the vomiting at bay was to wake up in the middle of the night to eat something. (Two fish fingers with a slice of white bread, in case you were wondering, with a huge dollop of hot Nandos sauce.)

I used to feel intense hunger, out of nowhere, and I think the secret to that is to have some food I could stomach on hand. (A packet of chips in case you were wondering.)

Keeping hydrated was a problem in a city that seemed to have switched on summer two months early. My little sips of water didn’t taste nice but I tried. (A tiny bit of apple ice tea did wonders in refreshing me in a tasty way in case you were wondering.)

In my first trimester, my husband definitely had it worse than me. He used to just stand there, helpless, while I propped my lifeless body over the toilet. When he last made a tasty meal (spaghetti and meatballs), he had to eat it in the other room because the meatballs smelled like animal and the spaghetti smelled like ear wax to me. We no longer planned meals and he certainly didn’t have a balanced diet anymore. He had to take time off work to take me to the doctors or check up on me to make sure I was still alive. I couldn’t RSVP for events because I wasn’t sure if I would be up for the drive or the food or the company. He bought the things I actually ate, in excess, after I hurried him up when grocery shopping because the nausea made me want to go home. He was the one actually getting up in the middle of the night to feed me and make my meals so I could avoid throwing up the next morning.  

Oh my God! Did I mention the crazy things that made me nauseous? So you already know that the anti-nausea tips and tricks made me nauseous. So did food and the smell of cooking – the stuff that usually gets pregnant women retching. But I also felt nauseous making a number two. Other peoples’ lunches looked disgusting and so did the American meals on Food Network that make Americans obese. I mean really, a meal of pork on pork with a side of pork! And then they wonder why they’re so fat. And for the most ridiculous thing, (yes, I’m clearly a mean person. I just want to put it out there that I couldn’t help it); some people’s faces made my insides want bring up my stomach acid.

Into my third trimester, I can tell you that it didn’t get better the way the doctors told me it would. I still throw up but my body got used to it. Instead of avoiding it, I throw up and I actually feel better afterwards. I no longer have a lack of energy after I throw up all my bile. I can continue with my day running just a little late and suffering with a burning throat.

And there you have it. My take on the good (absolutely nothing), the bad and the ugly about morning sickness. If you’ve had it really bad, I’d love to know how you coped. 

All my life, I’ve given sucky baby shower gifts. I’ve only come to that realisation now – now that I am preparing for my own baby. I think everyone does it though. You pick a couple of cute clothes, chuck it in an even cuter gift bag and go aww when all the gifts are opened. Here are some better gift ideas that are cute as well as practical. You won’t necessarily find all of these in a baby store but any mommy-to-be who is like me will love you for these.

Books for baby

I don’t actually know if books are a suitable gift for a newborn. I’m all for starting a library young but I don’t quite know whether they need it straight from the womb. But a book is never a bad idea – especially if it’s filled with hints and tips for the parents on how to raise their kids. I heard horrid things about Raising Superheroes. People said this book following The Real Meal Revolution was about raising unhealthy bantists. I had a browse through it a while ago and it’s nothing like that. Instead, it offers great advice on how to make tasty meals that is easy on the sugar and uses whole foods instead of relying on the refined stuff. Considering how The Husband and I make most of our foods from scratch, this would be awesome for similar parents who want to make and feed their kids healthier foods. You can get this from Exclusive Books for R338. 

Gift cards

A lot of people prefer going this route with gifts. Get a gift card and let the recipients pick their own gifts. There are tons of places that offer gift cards for baby clothing and other essentials. Try Woolworths and pick your own denomination. 

A baby rocker

I suppose any baby rocker will do but the Nuna Leaf is THE ultimate. It gently soothes your baby when you need your hands for other things. At the exorbitant price of R4599, it does what other rockers don’t. For starters, it can carry my weight so it evolves from a rocker to a chair for your child. You can find many other varieties at Baby City but if this is the one you’re after, you’ll find it at Kids Emporium. 

Personalised gifts

Everyone loves a thoughtful gift that is handmade or personalised…especially when the gift epitomises the recipient of the present. How cute is something like this! 

Baby carrier

I really like those cloth carriers that you just wrap around yourself and slip Baby in so you have your hands free for things like grocery shopping. The downfall with this is that I can’t imagine many men being able to don this on themselves. Instead, a more structured carrier like the Stokke baby carrier would be great for dad-to-be. It goes for R3799 at Kids Living.   

Pamper mom-to-be

Everyone is super excited about the baby but a gift for the mum-to-be will definitely be welcomed. Especially if it’s a pamper gift for that last heavy stretch to the end. How about a pregnancy massage or (if her husband won’t cut her nails) a pedicure from Sorbet? 

A newborn photoshoot

I’ve had a rather horrid experience with the photographer at my wedding so I’m a bit hesitant to spend money on something that might again be a disaster. I have tons of friends that have done newborn shoots though and it is an amazing idea for a gift that a bunch of friends can pitch in to buy. I stumbled upon Slumberlings online that specialises in gorgeous newborn photography. The mini package comes in at R5700. 

Your time

I know a lot of people who can easily give off their time for something that they love such as babysitting services and meal drop offs. Once the baby arrives, mum and dad might not have any time for themselves and probably won’t even have time to eat let alone cook. Maybe the baby sitting offer will be so that the parents can get a good night’s rest.  

Nappies

From what I hear about how much these tiny things poop, new parents can’t have too many diapers. A diaper cake is such a cute idea to “dress up” disposables. For reusable nappies, I suggest putting together a basket of newborn nappies, liners and inserts. Check out Bam+Boo for some cute ideas. 

  

A basket of baby toiletries

I suspect I might only know what it takes to bath and clean a baby once the baby actually arrives. If you have more experience than the mum-to-be, get her a basket of the essential toiletries that she will need. Trust me, she’ll love you for it when she realises that she wasn’t that prepared herself and won’t need to run out to buy them.  You can get an already prepared basket from NetGifts for R439.95 with a little teddy. 

I hope I’ve inspired you if you’re heading out to a baby shower soon. Do you have any other gift ideas that you think should make this list?

I can probably count the number of baby showers I’ve attended on one hand. As I mentioned before, having babies in my circle offriends is abnormal. Most of these showers were organised at work. Some of them were even organised by me. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have much experience with the traditional showers that I love the alternative ideas that I’ve either thought up or been exposed to.

The sexy mommy baby shower

Of course I would come up with theme that is furthest away from the traditional baby shower but let’s not pretend we don’t know how the couple got into this position. One of my friends didn’t have the sexy bachelorette party so her friends brought the sexy fun to her baby shower. This is perfect for a women’s only event. Bring out the fishnets (cos corsets won’t fit) and limber up your joints. Practice some sexy poses and lap dance moves. It’ll help mom-to-be forget all about the big tummy she’s been lugging around. Oooh…I can already picture a sexy dance routine to “You can leave your hat on” with a tummy.

Brunch and shopping with the girls

If you have an intimate group of girlfriends, I love the idea of a baby shower brunch at an outdoors type of restaurant. I love La Vie en Rose for this – you can decorate the table without going overboard on silly games. Ask guests to bring a gift card from a specific baby store and you can all head out after lunch and pick out cute little outfits and the essentials together. That way, mum-to-be doesn’t have to worry about a registry and everyone will have loads of fun trying to pick out items together. Any one of the gorgeous Kids Emporiums store would be a perfect place for this.

A modern take on the traditional baby shower

I’m a bit of a homebody and I love entertaining at home. But I’m not that girly to be surrounded by women who expect me to act and behave like I am super excited about popping out something that has no bowel control for a good few years. I’d much rather have my guy friends present who have some sense of humour when I speak. You know, the ones that’ll joke that when walking near me, they need to act like the car with red flags warning motorists of an abnormal load coming up. Let’s make it co-ed! Keep the cute cupcakes in blue or pink but let’s make sure the men are well fed with a braai or mini burgers. And besides, I want my husband to be part of the festivities. I aint changing nappies alone!

Have you been to baby showers that were different to the norm? What did you think of them? And if you’re planning one that’s a bit unusual, I’d love to hear all about it. 

If you’ve been following my pregnancy blog posts, you’ll know that my bun was a complete surprise. I hadn’t been preparing for pregnancy so when I discovered I was pregnant, I had to move quickly past the shock and denial phase into preparing for the next 9 months…and for life beyond.  Here are my tips on what to do the moment you find out you’re pregnant that should help you through those daunting nine months to come.

1. Create a support system

Soon after we found out we were pregnant, I told a friend, my husband told his work colleagues and we told our immediate families. It didn’t seem like a great idea at the time, with everyone oozing excitement when we hadn’t quite come to terms with our own feelings; but when I became very sick, these were the people we could talk to. My husband had loads of morning sickness advice and our parents kept checking up on us to see if we were ok. 

2. Find a gynae

I am ashamed to admit that I never visited one until six weeks into my pregnancy. I had my annual pap smears done at my GP but I didn’t do any other girly part checks so when I found out that I was pregnant, it was a mad dash to find one. At the hospital closest to me, I found a female gynae which seemed perfect. The only problem is that gynaes get booked fast. She was so busy that she wasn’t taking on any new patients.

I asked one of my friends who just had a baby and she highly recommended her gynae. I managed to get an appointment and decided he was a keeper at my first visit. He had a jovial bedside manner which was exactly what I needed when I was so unsure of my own feelings.

Find out about they gynaecologist’s fees when doing your selection. Mine is very expensive and medical aid only covers about half of his consultation fees but I’m comfortable with him and we can afford it so that’s all that mattered to me. 

3. Revise your medical aid cover

I moved over to my husband’s medical aid shortly after we got married. It was cheaper than mine for better cover but it only covers up to 200% medical aid rates. When you’re in a private hospital, specialists can charge up to 300% medical aid rates so we signed up for top up cover through Admed. They cover what the medical aids don’t during hospital stays. As I understand it, you should not need to pay a cent out of your pocket during delivery. 

4. Get started on pre-natal vitamins

I have to admit that I’m not a fan of vitamins. With a balanced and varied diet, your body will get and absorb all the vitamins it needs. Any more and you just pee it all out. However, most women don’t get a lot of folic acid in their diet which is crucial in preventing early pregnancy birth defects.

I didn’t have a very good diet in my first trimester. I went through phases where I would only eat Lays chips or fish fingers. I’m pretty certain my vitamins helped me get the right nutrients. Who cares about the remainder that I pee’ed out. 

5. Review your fitness regime

I used to be pretty fit with my dance classes. When I found out I was pregnant, I had to do the responsible thing and stop. There were quite a few risks that came with dancing through my bodily changes. It’s also about knowing yourself. I knew that I would ignore my body in the pursuit for more flexibility and mastering certain tricks, so I stopped. I’m not encouraging anyone to stop. In fact, if you haven’t started exercising, you should. I just had health complications that made even simple forms of exercise difficult to do.

6. Track your pregnancy with an app

I use Ovia. It sends you daily emails to remind you of how far along you are with informative articles on symptoms, baby’s development and yours. It’s cute to have around especially if your pregnancy symptoms put a damper on your moods. 

7. Google is your friend

People who scare too easily will tell you not to Google. I like being informed and I’m not going to think I’m dying of some rare disease by reading just one article. Google has helped me with understanding what other women go through and reaffirmed whether my symptoms are normal or not and what I can do about them.

8. Plan a babymoon

We planned a non-pregnant holiday which turned into a fugitive-harbouring trip. Do some research on your symptoms and figure out the best time to travel for you. Then go spend some quality time with your partner. It’ll probably be last holiday where it’s just the two of you. If the baby expenses mean you can’t afford a holiday, how about a staycation? Just take a break from the baby madness and enjoy your time together without baby cries ruining the romance.

9. Shop around for maternity clothes

Unfortunately only the maternity boutiques sell maternity wear so it is going to be expensive. Fortunately, if you watch your weight, you should be able to take your normal clothes through your pregnancy. I was bloated and uncomfortable quite early on in my pregnancy and I couldn’t do without a pair of maternity pants that I bought from Koco Bino.

10. Visit baby expos

And baby stores. It’s a great way to research the products you need. At the expos, you will get good deals.  It’s less overwhelming when you are armed with the right information to make the right decisions. 

And every childless person I know is pretty much terrified of kids too. (All except one of my friends – she’s totally going to be go-to person if I can’t mother right.) Most childless people live adult lives, stay away from kids and look horrified when excited parents ask them when they are making little people. So I know I cannot be the only one that can put together a list of reasons why babies scare me.

Here are some of the reasons that babies terrify me and despite being pregnant with three months to go, I still haven’t gotten over it. Let’s hope once The Little Dude arrives that these fears will be a thing of the past. 

1. My mother once told me that I could break a newborn’s neck if I didn’t support its head properly. As accident-prone as I am, from then on out I decided newborns were safer when they were not in my arms. So no, I don’t actually know how to hold these fragile things.

2. I once dropped a baby…well more like let it roll off the couch on to the floor because I was preoccupied with TV. I was still a kid myself but my superpower of being engrossed in TV and drowning out all other distractions has only gotten stronger!

3. I prefer to go through life in a chilled manner. Something tells me this is not conducive to raising kids.

4. I don’t particularly like children. I don’t think anyone does. I’m just a bit more vocal about my opinions. I can totally do well behaved kids that are full of spunk and personality. But what if mine aren’t like that??? And before you judge me and say you adore them, today I encountered a kid whose primary form of communication was shrieking. Now, which one of you can tell me you like that little shit?

5. Every décor and furniture item in my house has been handpicked to look showroom-style stunning. I have a beige Coricraft couch that kids and dogs are not allowed on, a glass dining table surrounded by cream coloured upholstered chairs that not even my guests eat at, and don’t get me started on my fragile décor pieces.

6. I am the laziest person I know. I’m assuming I can’t procrastinate tending to a crying kid cos lying on the couch is more comfortable.

7. I have not hung around kids since I was a kid. I totally forget that you need to watch what you say. My life is an open book, I am so opinionated and I like to think I’m entertaining too – I once spoke of a threesome in front of two kids. God, I hope they didn’t absorb that and ask their parents about it later. How do you even respond to a question like that!

8. I love sleep. If I could, I’d spend much more time on it. Except weekend mornings when my body is way too excited to live life instead of spending it in bed. It annoys me so much when people tell me to enjoy my sleep now cos I am not looking forward to saying goodbye to one of my favourite past times.

9.  I wrote a blog post about all the stupid thingsI’ve done, e.g. forgetting my handbag. What if I forget the baby somewhere!!!

10. I haven’t had the best of pregnancies. It’s like my body is rejecting The Little Dude. He’s resilient as ever and seems unfazed by everything I’m going through. What if this is all a sign that I am not quite cut out for motherhood?

11. I’m pretty indecisive about most things. Sometimes I choose to not decide at all cos I can be quite chilled. I have a sneaky suspicion that The Little Dude is not going to have a proper name until it comes to me. And if it doesn’t come to me and I am pressured to give him a name for like Home Affairs registration reasons, I’m worried that I’ll pick whatever and then regret it for the rest of his life!

12. I don’t know much about boy babies (or babies in general) so what do I call his boy bits? Pee-pee? Do I pretend that testicles don’t exist? Do I give him a name for those? Why do they even need names? Those things have no function for a baby anyway. 

13. I have more friends without kids than friends with kids. I also prefer hanging with my friends without little monsters ruining the social experience. Therefore having kids doesn’t seem normal to me. 

14. Eating is a social experience for me. If I don’t have company to eat and talk with, then I might as well have a slice of toast as my meal. Considering that The Husband and I are quite the foodies, I am not going to enjoy our fancy meal if we have to eat one at a time cos apparently, one of us needs to tend to The Little Dude at all times. I just thought of a way around this – what if we train him to sleep during supper time?

15. I don’t get rid of my old clothes. I wear them even when they are in tatters. The Husband is embarrassed by this so I found a way around it. I wear the tattered clothes until I go away on holiday and on business. Then I wear them one last time and chuck them in the hotel bin after doing a little funeral ceremony for them. I suspect The Little Dude is going to be wearing clothes with holes in them just cos I can’t let go.

16. I happen to like being thin. I see what happens to moms. They eat their kids’ leftovers, get way too busy to exercise and before they know it, they tell skinny women that they used to be thin too.

17. I don’t know how to speak to babies and I don’t know what they are trying to say to me. What if I end up not talking to The Little Dude until he can string a sentence together all because we can’t communicate with each other? I don’t think this is very healthy. Worse still, I can totally do baby talk – what if I resort to that for communication and then stunt his verbal growth?

18. I’m judgemental. I judge other mothers who think their kids are amazing. I judge kids. I am actively trying to remember to not judge The Little Dude if he can’t speak at 3 years old while little girls his age are rambling on with full sentences. 

19. Um, childbirth. I’m distraught that my delivery method has already been chosen for me because of my fibroid. At the same time, I’m also relieved cos I don’t think squeezing out a watermelon through my va-jay-jay in excruciating pain is the best method nature could have come up with. I am seriously wondering whether I’m going to start crying in fear when the day comes when I’ll be butchered open.

20. I am 6 months pregnant and I have only bought a pram for The Little Dude…and his car seat…that fits into a car with an isofix base. We don’t have the car with the isofix points as yet! I haven’t prepared for this kid’s arrival. And to keep my sanity, I am like…so what…if the kid comes today, he’ll sleep on my bed…just like I did when I was born. He’ll be fine. 

21. Boojies! I am terrified of them. I try to convince The Husband to keep the doors and windows closed in the midst of a heatwave so that I don’t have to deal with them in my house. My uncle used to say that if the house was on fire and there was a cockroach between me and the front door, I would burn alive. I remember many a times living in one room of the house or forgoing meals because of a roach. What if there’s one between me and The Little Dude? Would it be acceptable to just wait for The Husband to get home and deal with it?

22. I totally disagree with the people that say motherhood comes naturally to women. No it doesn’t! It just appears natural because throughout history, women had babies quite young and were exposed to them all their lives with big families. They knew how to carry them, put ‘em to sleep, care for them – all before they bore their own. That’s learned behaviour – not natural!

23. Kids are freaky. Have you seen horror movies? They stare into space – the movies say they can see the spirits in the room. They have imaginary friends – the movies say they are talking to ghosts. And in some of those movies, they are the demonic killers. I don’t think I could be alone with kids displaying these behaviours.

What are some of your fears when it comes to having babies? 

I remember when I first started working in a corporate environment. I went to a meeting with a client, at the client’s premises, and proceeded to impress them on the work that I was going to deliver. At the end of the meeting, I stood up in my little suit, shook everyone’s hands and left with a smug feeling of how professional I had come across. As I walked to my car, I realised I didn’t have my car keys because something was missing – my handbag – that I left in the client’s boardroom. That was in 2006. Looking back, I think it was understandable. Fresh into adulthood, who carried a handbag at that age anyway?

Bonding would probably be more fun over a drink...just saying :-)

Fast forward to 2015 when I went out with my friends for a fancy dinner. As my husband and I pulled into our driveway after supper, he asked, “Where’s your handbag?” At that moment, I realised it was in the restaurant. What excuse did I have now? Who carries handbags? 30 year old women – that’s who! 30 year old women who are supposed to be responsible enough to take care of a child, let alone remember to take her handbag when leaving a place.

So what do I do when little Pepperoni one day forgets his toy box – or whatever it is that little kids carry around. Do I say, “Dude – it’s ok. Do you even wanna know how many times I’ve left my handbag behind?”

And then there was my epic European trip where I was waiting to go down the Alps in a ski lift. I looked in the empty lift and said out loud, “oh look. A pole!” I proceeded to grab onto the pole fully clothed with just my face being the only naked part of my body. I hoisted myself upside down with my arm muscles proudly holding up my body weight as my gloved up hands continued to slide at great speed until I fell…hard…at 5 months pregnant. The first thing I did was turn over on my back, like I belonged in that position on the floor. The next thing was to look around at who saw me. No one! Perfect. Now where’s The Husband to hoist me up and pretend like nothing happened? He was looking away pretending like he didn’t know me.

When Pepperoni has a stupid idea, thinks it through and still decides to act on it, what do I do? Do I sing, “You got it from ya mamma”? Does The Husband pretend like it’s not his kid? How am I supposed to raise a kid when I do such stupid things?

Oh and you know how fussy kids are when it comes to food. I was that fussy kid. It all started when I was a baby and wouldn’t eat the first solids all Indian kids started on – buttered bread and tea. I spat it out, vomited it up and would rather stay hungry. I became a fussy adult eater – to the point that I unintentionally insult my in-laws every time I’m around them. I don’t like certain foods and as much as I try to eat them, there are just certain things I cannot stomach – think every yogurt type dish that is pinnacle of Gujarati cuisine. Now what happens when Pepperoni does the exact same thing? I so desperately want to say, “I understand, Kid”. 

It seems like all mothers I know are responsible people. So I can't be the only one like this right? Tell me there’s more like me out there – the happy-go-lucky ones that do silly things all the time and laugh it off. They also raise kids despite how they behave...right? 

Don’t get me wrong. Surprise me with a bunch of flowers on V-day and I will be totally infatuated with you. It probably stems from the fact that I’ve never really been romantically spoiled until recent years.  Now that I am loved ALL THE TIME, I think the whole concept of Valentine’s Day, for established couples, is really silly.

I mean, what’s the point? Is it like a day to create awareness – like World Aids Day? I doubt it. We’re surrounded by love all the time especially when the wave of weddings hit. It’s preached in religion and all forms of modern entertainment. It’s whispered by giggling girls and dreamed off by the ones who long for that romantic love. The world is aware. So what is really about?

Some people jokingly call this Hallmark Day – a day that retailers cash in on sales from cards, chocolates and gifts. Despite knowing this, the majority of people still celebrate it because it’s important. This day symbolises the love we have or want to have.

I love the concept that everyday should be Valentine’s Day. I thoroughly believe that. All too often I see couples who aren’t at their lovey-dovey best throughout the year but on this special day, they put aside whatever differences they have and show their love.

I like to think that sprinkling love and adventure every day is far more important than the forced bunch of roses I can show off on one specific day of the year. I like that I feel loved every day. The Husband and I surprise each other with little events, games and random gifts all the time. Even better than surprise gifts are the well thought out decisions we make together on what we’d like to spend our money on to spoil ourselves.

The truth is that love is not a candlelit dinner. It’s making a plan together when finances look gloomy. It’s cheering each other up when the one has a bad day and knowing when to leave your partner alone. It’s having fun while preparing for the daunting and expensive task of having a baby. It’s sharing household responsibilities. It’s appreciating the sacrifices. It’s making soup when the other has man-flu. It’s debating over what the next holiday should be when your ideas of travel and relaxation are so different. It’s surviving a whole day of sport on TV. It’s also about knowing when to celebrate a day you don’t believe in because it’s important to your partner.

If you’re celebrating Valentine’s Day as an established couple, that’s awesome. I think it’s great to be able to reflect on why you fell in love and maybe even rekindle some lost passion. But also think about how you’re going to experience the love on 15 February…and the day after that and in the weeks and months to come. 

I was so hesitant to put together a birthday wish list lastyear for fear that I come across as a demanding person.  Instead, it helped friends wanting to buy me a gift by giving them ideas on what I would most appreciate as a birthday present. It also worked spectacularly for me – one of my favourite gifts was my Coricraft clock that now sits perfectly in my open plan living area. So here’s what I’m lusting after this year.

Le Creuset

Ever since the Le Creuset store opened up in Sandton City, it’s been one of my go-to stores for gifts for friends. I never bought anything for myself since it always seemed so splurgy. Recently, after picking up a casserole dish for a friend, I left with a brochure of all their products. I was surprised to find out that Le Creuset cast iron and stainless steel products all come with a lifetime guarantee! It made me want the entire range even more. The husband and I love cooking and entertaining. I love the cast iron classic buffet casserole. Not only is cast iron a great conductor on all sources of heat, this looks stunning brought to the table for guests to dig in. At R2100 for the 2.0 litre/26cm, it’s definitely a splurge item but browse through the Le Creuset website for tons of cheaper products that I love and I'm sure you will too. Just remember that my favourite Le Creuset colour is cherry.

A much needed hair treatment

The last time I cut my hair was before my wedding. It was nothing more than a cut and my simple hairdresser from back home did it for me for about R50. My hair now looks super long, shapeless and hides lots of greys while my hair is down. Since coming back from my epic European trip, it also needs some TLC to get back to a healthy shine. I’m a simple girl so it’s no wonder that I’ve never visited a proper hair salon and have never had any treatments. I’ve been thinking that now is the time. I assume I need a treatment but what do I need – Olaplex, Brazilian, Opti – it's all so confusing. Colour – yes please but should I just cover the greys or do I need highlights? I don’t even know where I should be going to so I would love a recommendation along with a voucher for what I should be doing.

Dermalogica products

I only use Dermalogica products on my face. I’ve even converted my husband so we’re no strangers to their range. My bathroom has the special cleansing gel, microfoliant, multi-vitamin power recovery masque, ultracalming mist, skin hydrating booster and an almost empty moisturiser. The one thing that I haven’t yet tried is the renewal lip complex. It’s a blend of avocado oil and shea and cocoa seed butters to moisturise lips to make them soft and kissable on my new baby’s skin. At R510, it’s pricey for a lip balm but given the wonders that Dermalogica does to my face, I think it’ll be worth it.

   

A mommy-to-be massage

I love how I haven’t gained much weight and although I have some pain, I’m not walking around like a massive whale. I’m hoping that by the time my birthday comes around that I’m not large and uncomfortable but if I am, I would love to get a mommy-to-be massage. I found that Renaissance Spa does preggy massages – a lot of spas steer clear of women about to pop. I love the sound of the Gorgeous Glow Pregnancy Massage Package but I’ll probably be bored of 4 and a half hours by myself so I’ll opt for the Mama Mio Pregnancy Massage. It’s R590 for a full body massage.

Great smells

Whenever I have people over to my house, I light up the baobab soy lite wax candle in my bathroom. I love the fragrance and the candle jar is so pretty – a little baobab tree lights up. I got them together with a matching hand wash and lotion from the Soil online store. At R220, it’s not badly priced. I’m looking to replace the baobab range with coconut. Doesn’t this uplifting coconut organic soy wax candle look gorgeous!

Mommy mobile

I've had my little car for nine years now! When The Unborn announced his impending arrival, things had to change and the biggest change has to be my little car that served me well as these years. I'm heartbroken to let Vomit go but oh so excited at all the new options. Top of my list is the Mazda CX-5. With a reverse camera, ISO fix points and space for my stroller, it offers the best value for money in it's segment. At R335 000, I think this is best as a gift I give to myself.