Damn you pregnancy hormones!

By 23:01

It seems like I don’t go a week in this pregnancy without exclaiming, “Damn you pregnancy hormones!”  Instead of giving you the lowdown on only the sucky reasons behind that statement, I thought I’d share some of my most memorable moments during the pregnancy – broken down into the good, the bad and the ugly resulting from those pregnancy hormones.

1. I broke down crying while grocery shopping
The good:            My emotions never go on a rollercoaster ride – not even during that time of the month. But the pregnancy had me going through mood swings which made me feel more like a normal woman but The Husband wasn’t used to these mood changes and was totally freaked out.

The bad:              Because I’ve never experienced the mood swings that accompany PMS, I didn’t know how to handle these new emotions. I remember looking forlorn and retreating to my room all because The Husband refused to get me a copy of This is Halloween to watch on Halloween. And the reason he didn’t was because he wasn’t feeling well himself and I had to be all dramatic about it. I was such a female dog!

The ugly:              I totally understand my tears over How I Met Your Mother re-runs but when I broke down crying while grocery shopping, I had to leave the store because that’s how heavy my sobs were. When The Husband rushed outside to find out what happened to me, I could barely explain that I wanted ALL the food amidst the breathless tears. Yes, I cried because I spent time walking through Woolworths and Checkers wanting to eat everything – fruit, snacks, cakes, everything. But I didn’t allow myself to buy anything so I became so upset about depriving myself of something I felt I really NEEDED.

2. Falling asleep…everywhere
The good:            Sleep is one of my favourite past times especially when I have work to go to the next day. 

The bad:              I have to get out of bed to go to work. They say when you’re pregnant, you’re more tired. They didn’t say that you struggle to get out of bed in the mornings, struggle to stay awake at your desk, pass out on the couch when you get home, only to sleep through the night and do it all over again the next day.

The ugly:              Also, just because you’re tired, doesn’t mean you can sleep. There’s a whole host of things that keep you awake at night – nausea, the urge to pee all the time, heartburn, finding a comfortable position to sleep in that accommodates the new stomach, being awoken by excruciating pain from leg cramps….

3. Making a comfy little spot in front of the toilet
The good:            High 5 to staying thin.

The bad:              You can read all about it here. 

The ugly:              I still have morning sickness at 35 weeks. That’s 8 months for those of you who don’t speak baby. 

4. If I’m not going to the toilet to throw up, it’s to pee
The good:            The frequent urination initially only lasted for about a month. I think it was in my second or third month of pregnancy to be (vaguely) precise. And now that I’ve hit month 8, it’s back! Well 3 out of the 9 months is not so bad. I know someone who gets up 6 times a night to pee – and she’s not pregnant. 

The bad:              I love my sleep. I don’t appreciate waking up in the middle of the night to tinkle. It’s damn annoying. How do the weak-bladder-ed ever go back to sleep after that?

The ugly:              Remember how I said I have a Coricraft couch and only people who know how to keep my Coricraft couch safe are allowed to sit on it? Well one day, because of my pregnancy rhinitis, I sneezed and guess what happened next? I pee’d myself! Imagine balancing the shock of realising I had a bout of incontinence with the thought of wanting to check whether I messed the couch.

5. Looking like a pimply-faced teenager
The good:            Did I tell you how I found out I was pregnant? It was acne that drove me to the GP.

The bad:              The acne was everywhere! Even on my decoupage.  Like seriously, who gets puss-filled white head pimples on their chest?!

The ugly:              “You’re glowing,” say the people who lie to my face. Maybe it wasn’t a lie. Maybe I had a good skin day. That happens to the non-pregnant too. But I know it’s a lie from the people who don’t know what else to say to me (try saying nothing) because the honest ones say, “you haven’t started glowing yet.” And of course a skin care therapist looked at me sorrowfully a few weeks ago and suggested a skincare routine to start glowing.

6. When pregnant women waddle, it’s because they have haemorrhoids or they are holding in a fart
The good:            Since getting probed by a doctor to diagnose my piles, I am now telling all the men I know to go get their prostates checked. It’s not that bad.

The bad:              While we’re on the backdoor subject, farting is a regular occurrence. I’m not talking about those girly whiffs of air that you let out so no one knows. I’m talking full on loud farts that wake my husband up. Sometimes, I don’t even think about holding it in. Without even knowing, I let one rip and only afterwards do I turn around to see who may have witnessed that.

The ugly:              Back to the probing thing, did you know that not all outies are haemorrhoids? It could be rectal prolapse. That’s how bad pregnancy is – it could make your rectum fall out your asshole!  I was so depressed when I found out that every woman I spoke to never went through this. I also took so much care to not develop constipation throughout my pregnancy only to find out that the baby was just too heavy for my structure to hold and out pops things that should be staying inside my body. I was in a week of pain and all that was recommended for me to do was soak in a warm bath or sit on an ice-pack. And when the pain got worse and I was finally prescribed something, the pre-suppository insertion routine involved lots of crying and lube. I’m guessing I’ve freaked you out enough and I shouldn’t tell you about it bleeding? 

7. Not being able to see my girly parts
The good:            I’m 35 weeks pregnant (8 months) and I put on a whole 3.5kg throughout my pregnancy. I’m so proud of my little rugrat. He seems to be utilising my food consumption so efficiently.

The bad:              I spent most of my pregnancy not looking pregnant. I was the one handing my seat over to the elderly cos I just looked like a bratty thin person who wanted to take a seat on the train.

The ugly:              Even though I haven’t put on that much weight, at 8 months, I can’t see past the bump. As much as I try to bend over, I can’t see what’s going on under that bump. Can you imagine how traumatising that can be for a person so hell bent on never wanting to be fat!

8. My thoughts on the alien trying to break free
The good:            Foetal movements means the baby is doing well.

The bad:              Why is he stomping on my vagina? Is he trying to come out? Is this how pre-term labour starts?

The ugly:              I’m worried he might be having an epileptic attack in there. This is not dancehall. This is not swimming and moving around. How can he move so much, jiggle my entire mid-section and still be considered normal?

9. My over-active imagination
The good:            It’s entertaining and makes my difficult pregnancy easier to manage.

The bad:              I know far too much. Google is so forth-coming with information. I know exactly how this child is going to behave and I am super prepared – down to the art of changing a baby. (The way my generation does it - via Youtube and not through actual experience).

The ugly:              What if he looks like me? What if I don’t like him? What if I am not that parent that’s posts a pic of their prune-y kid on Facebook the moment he is born because I haven’t developed the maternal belief that my child is the most gorgeous kid in the world? Can I give him back to the hospital? 

10. I grew a moustache
The good:            Perhaps the layer of fur on my legs will keep me warm now that winter is rolling in.
The bad:              I grew thick black long hair on my upper lip and the worst part is that I didn’t even care. The only reason I waxed it off was because The Husband begged me to do it before his parents came for a visit.
The ugly:              All that money I spent on laser hair removal is gone down the drain. After years of not having to shave my armpits, it is now part of my daily routine…again.

What makes you scream "Damn you pregnancy hormones!"

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