All the reasons why babies terrify me

By 15:07

And every childless person I know is pretty much terrified of kids too. (All except one of my friends – she’s totally going to be go-to person if I can’t mother right.) Most childless people live adult lives, stay away from kids and look horrified when excited parents ask them when they are making little people. So I know I cannot be the only one that can put together a list of reasons why babies scare me.

Here are some of the reasons that babies terrify me and despite being pregnant with three months to go, I still haven’t gotten over it. Let’s hope once The Little Dude arrives that these fears will be a thing of the past. 

1. My mother once told me that I could break a newborn’s neck if I didn’t support its head properly. As accident-prone as I am, from then on out I decided newborns were safer when they were not in my arms. So no, I don’t actually know how to hold these fragile things.

2. I once dropped a baby…well more like let it roll off the couch on to the floor because I was preoccupied with TV. I was still a kid myself but my superpower of being engrossed in TV and drowning out all other distractions has only gotten stronger!

3. I prefer to go through life in a chilled manner. Something tells me this is not conducive to raising kids.

4. I don’t particularly like children. I don’t think anyone does. I’m just a bit more vocal about my opinions. I can totally do well behaved kids that are full of spunk and personality. But what if mine aren’t like that??? And before you judge me and say you adore them, today I encountered a kid whose primary form of communication was shrieking. Now, which one of you can tell me you like that little shit?

5. Every décor and furniture item in my house has been handpicked to look showroom-style stunning. I have a beige Coricraft couch that kids and dogs are not allowed on, a glass dining table surrounded by cream coloured upholstered chairs that not even my guests eat at, and don’t get me started on my fragile décor pieces.

6. I am the laziest person I know. I’m assuming I can’t procrastinate tending to a crying kid cos lying on the couch is more comfortable.

7. I have not hung around kids since I was a kid. I totally forget that you need to watch what you say. My life is an open book, I am so opinionated and I like to think I’m entertaining too – I once spoke of a threesome in front of two kids. God, I hope they didn’t absorb that and ask their parents about it later. How do you even respond to a question like that!

8. I love sleep. If I could, I’d spend much more time on it. Except weekend mornings when my body is way too excited to live life instead of spending it in bed. It annoys me so much when people tell me to enjoy my sleep now cos I am not looking forward to saying goodbye to one of my favourite past times.

9.  I wrote a blog post about all the stupid thingsI’ve done, e.g. forgetting my handbag. What if I forget the baby somewhere!!!

10. I haven’t had the best of pregnancies. It’s like my body is rejecting The Little Dude. He’s resilient as ever and seems unfazed by everything I’m going through. What if this is all a sign that I am not quite cut out for motherhood?

11. I’m pretty indecisive about most things. Sometimes I choose to not decide at all cos I can be quite chilled. I have a sneaky suspicion that The Little Dude is not going to have a proper name until it comes to me. And if it doesn’t come to me and I am pressured to give him a name for like Home Affairs registration reasons, I’m worried that I’ll pick whatever and then regret it for the rest of his life!

12. I don’t know much about boy babies (or babies in general) so what do I call his boy bits? Pee-pee? Do I pretend that testicles don’t exist? Do I give him a name for those? Why do they even need names? Those things have no function for a baby anyway. 

13. I have more friends without kids than friends with kids. I also prefer hanging with my friends without little monsters ruining the social experience. Therefore having kids doesn’t seem normal to me. 

14. Eating is a social experience for me. If I don’t have company to eat and talk with, then I might as well have a slice of toast as my meal. Considering that The Husband and I are quite the foodies, I am not going to enjoy our fancy meal if we have to eat one at a time cos apparently, one of us needs to tend to The Little Dude at all times. I just thought of a way around this – what if we train him to sleep during supper time?

15. I don’t get rid of my old clothes. I wear them even when they are in tatters. The Husband is embarrassed by this so I found a way around it. I wear the tattered clothes until I go away on holiday and on business. Then I wear them one last time and chuck them in the hotel bin after doing a little funeral ceremony for them. I suspect The Little Dude is going to be wearing clothes with holes in them just cos I can’t let go.

16. I happen to like being thin. I see what happens to moms. They eat their kids’ leftovers, get way too busy to exercise and before they know it, they tell skinny women that they used to be thin too.

17. I don’t know how to speak to babies and I don’t know what they are trying to say to me. What if I end up not talking to The Little Dude until he can string a sentence together all because we can’t communicate with each other? I don’t think this is very healthy. Worse still, I can totally do baby talk – what if I resort to that for communication and then stunt his verbal growth?

18. I’m judgemental. I judge other mothers who think their kids are amazing. I judge kids. I am actively trying to remember to not judge The Little Dude if he can’t speak at 3 years old while little girls his age are rambling on with full sentences. 

19. Um, childbirth. I’m distraught that my delivery method has already been chosen for me because of my fibroid. At the same time, I’m also relieved cos I don’t think squeezing out a watermelon through my va-jay-jay in excruciating pain is the best method nature could have come up with. I am seriously wondering whether I’m going to start crying in fear when the day comes when I’ll be butchered open.

20. I am 6 months pregnant and I have only bought a pram for The Little Dude…and his car seat…that fits into a car with an isofix base. We don’t have the car with the isofix points as yet! I haven’t prepared for this kid’s arrival. And to keep my sanity, I am like…so what…if the kid comes today, he’ll sleep on my bed…just like I did when I was born. He’ll be fine. 

21. Boojies! I am terrified of them. I try to convince The Husband to keep the doors and windows closed in the midst of a heatwave so that I don’t have to deal with them in my house. My uncle used to say that if the house was on fire and there was a cockroach between me and the front door, I would burn alive. I remember many a times living in one room of the house or forgoing meals because of a roach. What if there’s one between me and The Little Dude? Would it be acceptable to just wait for The Husband to get home and deal with it?

22. I totally disagree with the people that say motherhood comes naturally to women. No it doesn’t! It just appears natural because throughout history, women had babies quite young and were exposed to them all their lives with big families. They knew how to carry them, put ‘em to sleep, care for them – all before they bore their own. That’s learned behaviour – not natural!

23. Kids are freaky. Have you seen horror movies? They stare into space – the movies say they can see the spirits in the room. They have imaginary friends – the movies say they are talking to ghosts. And in some of those movies, they are the demonic killers. I don’t think I could be alone with kids displaying these behaviours.

What are some of your fears when it comes to having babies? 

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  1. 24. Money - no explanation needed
    25. School/Creche - see 24, also see how that messes your daily commute to work in already bad traffic :)
    26. Poop, poop, poop
    27. Get used to the sour milk smell of vomit on all of your clothes (and your pretty furniture).

    I'm told it's not all bad though. :)

    1. could I forget about poop and vomit!